the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
