just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
