God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
