Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
