I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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