atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
