well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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