well I can't set my house on fire every night
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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