He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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