'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
