omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
