tonight lets celebrate not being married
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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