We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize