He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
