I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize