Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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