My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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