tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
