I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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