Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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