3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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