i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
