If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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