I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
