one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
