Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
