it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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