I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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