420 ftw
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
