Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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