my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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