My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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