I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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