if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
