everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
