my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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