My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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