I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
