Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
