he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
