the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
