just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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