i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
