i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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