The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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