Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm always down for nudity.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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