My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
