My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
