just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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