Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
