she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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