Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
