he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
