His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
