I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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