actually, I'm a sock model
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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