Screwed.edu
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
