so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
