my sisters under your porch take her home
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he fucked my hip out of place.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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