I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
