Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
