dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
