I'm gonna have a badass scar
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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