i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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