No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize