I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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